where is audiogirl?

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out (While Stuffing Your Face)...

2009-12-03T16:48:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here! Giving, baking, hosting, getting, all of my favorite things come around this time of year! This blog will be about all of those things. Because I like them.

Hosting

Thanksgiving was great - Morris and I hosted his family for dinner and his sister Rossanna had a party the next day. Morris made a lamb stew with beer and barley in a crock pot, which everyone seemed to like; Rossanna had some for breakfast before her party. It was two days of cooking and hosting and serving, some of my favorite things to do.

I'm thinking of having a creative cocktails party after new year's when everyone is broke and depressed with empty social calendars. Stay tuned!

One good idea I was also considering but don't have the time for is hosting a "bitch and swap" holiday party, unisex, with housewares and clothes. Great for groups of friends who are on a budget and want the fun of new things without spending, or the obligation of buying/sending gifts to each other. In a season of shopping, I always end up buying things for myself too, so this is a good way to scratch the "I want new stuff" itch without spending money.

Cooking

I convinced several people to try Celebration Roast (you can get vegetarian gravy packets too if you like, both are sold at whole foods) and tried my hand at roasted root veggies, baked garlic and sundried tomato dip, and dark chocolate-orange sauce with fruit. I made an apple-cherry-vanilla pie that I pretty much wanted to marry, I think it's the best pie I've ever made. It wasn't vegan and was made for a party, so I didn't eat more than a few bites of it, but what I had of it made me really happy. I'm surprised I never thought to make one before. These recipes are all approximate, since I eyeball everything. It's the designer in me. I'm trying to learn to taste my food before serving it rather than just having fun with the plating. So far I've been lucky.

Audiogirl's Very Cherry Apple Pie

16 oz pitted sour bing cherries, simmered with 1/2 cup brown sugar until soft
or sweetened jarred cherries from Trader Joe's or even canned cherries if you're in a rush
small sweet organic apples (2), peeled and sliced
1 tbsp vanilla
1 tsp each cinnamon, ground cloves
1 tbsp rum

Mix in a bowl, put into crust. Dot top with soy butter or Earth Balance. They make boxed mix crusts that you roll out for a homemade feel and taste in about a 1/4 of the time and mess. If you want to try to make one vegan, there are several premade graham cracker crusts that are vegan and make a pie that's just as good. I would go heavier on the apples and less on the cherry for that crust idea, and maybe do a flour/sugar crumble on top. Bake at 375 for about 35-40 minutes or until browned.

Rusted Root Veggies

About 1/2 lb each of veggies.

brussels sprouts, halved
carrots, parsnips, multi-colored potatoes, 1/2 red onion, all cut into bite-sized pieces
a few pearl onions
3-4 cloves garlic (peeled) or several tspns minced garlic
fresh thyme, rosemary
about 1/8 -1/4 cup olive oil, drizzled evenly over all veggies (layer them into your dish, then toss)
kosher salt and ground pepper to taste

Bake covered at 375 for about 30 minutes. Check at 5 minute intervals after that until they are soft. Uncover for 5-10 minutes to brown.

Another great way to enjoy these veggies is to sautee them in soy butter or olive oil on the stovetop. They take forever, so don't undercook them, but it's worth it! Mia, who cooked for Rossanna's party on friday, made brussel sprouts with onion that way and they were delish!
I also considered adding in some sauteed walnuts but didnt have time to shell them.

Chocolate Orange Sauce (can be made sugar free but isnt as good)

several squares dark baking chocolate, unsweetened or semi-sweet, depending
2 tbsp coco liquer
splenda or other fake sugar if you are making sugar free. You don't need any sugar if not.
1/8- 1/4 cup heavy cream or you can use 1/4 c soy milk or OJ, depending on your politic
1 tbsp finely ground coffee
orange zest
1tsp cinnomon

Melt in microwave safe bowls, stirring every 30 seconds or so, until glossy and runny. Sugar free wont be so glossy and runny. Serve with strawberries, bannanas.

Gift Ideas:

If you like sweet things but are limited by a vegan diet, consider my friend and Miss February 2010's vegan bakery Brody's Bakery out of Kansas City. She make delish treats that are very tasty, for people and dogs! Her yummy cookies sustained the entire PFPB team during the 2009 Pitbull Awareness Day event. She even rocks a vegan pecan pie! Great gift idea too. Order now, so she has time to fill it and ship it.

I've ben busy sewing a large order of custom stockings, which are ready to ship this weekend. If you want a custom Clone Pet or other holiday toy to send to someone you love, order now! Otherwise you'll have to make it a Valentine's Day gift instead.

If you're looking to give or get for a cause, think about ordering the 2010 Pinups for Pitbulls calendar. Proceeds benefit dogs in need! Preview and order it here, $20 plus shipping.

Decorating fun

I've convinced Morris to let me put up a Birthmas tree, so this weekend we're going to set it up and make tree lights out of discarded shotgun shells, an idea (and shells!) we got from the nice people at Moore n Moore.

Getting

Speaking of shotguns, I feel like Ralphie this year, because I really want a gun. I've gotten better at sporting clays, and now I want to feel like I've got the proper equipment to practice it. I'm entered with 2 little tickets in a raffle at Moore and Moore because I shot a tournament and somehow won a trophy. I'd prefer a 20 -gaugue, specifically a beretta 303 even though it's too short, since that's what I've been shooting, but anything at this point would work, and I should probably get a longer one. I'm just not the kind of person who owns Nice Things, so if I did win a gun, it would kind of be a Christmas Miracle. Pretty moving. I mean, as moving as guns can get.

But, there's always my feminine side, and so there's always my Anthropologie Wish list :) I'm especially partial to aprons right now...

Creativity

2009-04-22T11:42:00.001-07:00

Summer/Spring Projects:

light box
take more photos with my new camera - learn about speed and lighting
bottle garden
more toys
headboard?
bottle chandelier
paintings
books

Hi. It's been forever.

I just got back last week from my very first adult, non-working vacation. Till now my vacations have mostly either been work-related, work-involved, or family-related, which can be fun but never feels like rest. This time, all I did all week was lie around, wine taste, read, listen to music, cook, sight-see, eat, and shop. It was such a great time, the first relaxation I've had since last April. It was an opportunity for my brain to leave off from Pinups for Pitbulls 2009, to begin my spring, and to get back into caring for myself and my household and my own projects. Time to get to do art stuff again. I bought a whole new set of watercolors, brushes, and tablets while up in Carmel, and am hosting another creative cocktails party on May 9th. I feel emotionally healthier than I have in a very long time, and am taking steps to get my much-fatigued physical self back into great condition.

But apart from a few quick paintings here and there and decorating my bathroom walls with painted flowers, my hands-on, just-because creativity has been almost zero.

I've just been catching up on the blogs and creativity of all my Crafty Friends. One is Audrey, my friend who owns a paperie called Urbanic in Venice, CA (on Abbot Kinney). I went into her shop on Sunday for the first time since last summer, and am just blown away by what she and her husband have accomplished. I was there when they were moving into the store, and now it just blows me away to see what they've done with the place. They have this great bridal lounge where brides can custom order invitiations. It makes me want to get engaged just to have an excuse to sit there and look through all these great books. I picked up a cute journal... I can never resist buying stuff when I visit. I didn't even go in to their clothing store next door, Neighborhood, because I just spent so much on vacation, and everything in there looked super cute. Sigh. Maybe in a few months!

During my visit, their son Javin was running around with this great, fun handmade cape on. Turns out our friend Liz made it for him and dropped it by the night before. Audrey mentioned Liz had stuff up on Etsy, so I wrote her and got the address. I've just spent the past hour looking at all her stuff and am completely charmed and drawn in and inspired to sew and paint and make things this spring and summer. She makes fabrics and shirts and collage/paintings of found objects and prints of paintings... she is my hero this week. I can't wait to buy some of her stuff! I can't wait to go home and make stuff too!

My friend Jessica and I have been talking about bottle gardens this month. I'm excited to get with her soon and make them. Meanwhile, I'm on the lookout for the perfect bottle. There's a great picture of one in one of my 70s plant books. My Bottle Garden Goal is to recreate it.

Finally, my friend Xea in portland has been talking with me about recipes,photography, and how she's been sewing kid's clothes and selling them to local stores. (I'm trying to find a link here of her stuff but I can't... it's very cute and retro.) I'm the kind of person who always thinks that would be a fun idea, but who would never actually get the guts to do this. Maybe in a parallel universe where I live in Portland and don't have social anxiety. For now, I'll just live vicariously through her. She did the photo of her sheep, Napkin, up top, enoying some Sushi.

Anyway, time to sit at my desk and browse Etsy!

xoxox

Yay

2009-10-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy summer and fall, full of transition and lots of changes in my life and the lives of people I love. I'm enjoying a for-once-not-totally-drop-dead-busy day. (Though, to be fair, I was up at 5 am and worked 3 jobs so far today.) It's a great day today.... Fall weather, I'm in Romance Mode with a man who is either a serial killer or the man of my dreams, and the 2010 Pinups for Pitbulls Calendar is at press!!

My Pinups for Pitbulls news, which you can scroll past if it bores you):

I've been working hard and well with some great women from all over the country, some of whom I've been working with for over a year and have never met face to face. These women in Pinups for Pitbulls have really enriched my life and my experience with being part of PFPB. The great news is that we are now officially 501(c)3, with Non-Profit status. I am also now on the board, something new and happily "adult" in my life.

Probably the best thing of the past year has been working with my friend Deirdre, known publicly as Little Darling, PFPB's President and Founder. She is one of my oldest and dearest friends, closer than a sister even, is someone that I really admire. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have cared to get involved in this in the first place, not being a Pit Bull owner. It started out as just me helping out her grassroots, myspace-based, ghetto-fabulous dog rescue calendar and website, tweaking her website in the wee hours on my loud PC about 5 years ago.

Her passion and energy and spirit, her creative drive and her brilliance with PFPB has made it what it is today, mostly because she has the gift of MAKING people care enough with her. She would probably never allow anyone to gush this way over her, she's just give it right back to the dogs, her team, me.... but I've worked with her for years, now, and there is rarely I time where I have not reached my limit and given out, or given up, or snapped, at some point due to exhaustion, stress, or worry over a deadline, and she is a freaking rock. A rock of molten energy that can exist on like, 3 hours of sleep and still greet the day being beautiful and positive, drive to work, save people's homes from financial ruin, come home, be an awesome mother to her dogs, an awesome woman to her man, and then spend another 5 hours saving dogs, planning events, and drumming up publicity for saving more dogs and raising more funds. It truly boggles my mind.

I guess I'm thinking about all of this because I was listening to her on a call-in radio station plugging the huge PFPB 10/25 event in Philly this sunday (if you are there, you MUST go to this event, please see the website for details, it's all day and all night). And I was just so proud of her, and so glad to know her and be a part of this with her. It's really been a fulfilling part of my life. Last year it got me through the toughest time in my life, and this year it enhances my total experience as a woman - giving me the chance to use my talent, my beauty, and my brains, as well as my heart for animals and my love for working with people toward a common goal that makes things better here.

This year, in addition to being on the board and Creative Director, I am Miss June, posing with Roxanna the Pitbull from Newport, CA and Trevor "Mister Man" Renee Nanuk.

Look for the calendar after this Sunday, 10/25, on www.pinupsforpitbulls.com (I just revamped the site), or you can just trust that it's going to be Way Awesome and order one now!! The theme of this year's calendar is "A Tribute to Classic Pinup", where 12 lovely ladies and their bully breeds are paying tribute to such classic artists as Gil Elvgren, Art Frahm, Peter Driben, Alberto Vargas, Al Buell, Joyce Ballantyne, Pearl Frush, and more. As always, proceeds benefit Pitbulls and Bully Breeds in need, and fund education about breed discrinimation and BSL (breed-specific legislation.)

This year we opened the calendar up to anyone who wanted to submit an image, and as a result had about 100 teams of photographers and models submit images nationwide, and many of the images will also be on the website and used for merchandise and prints for the year. That was a fun process, meeting women who love what we do and want to be a part of it, though choosing the images with a team of non-biased people was ROUGH. That part sucked.

At least we will be probably doing things that way every year from now on, so people can submit over and over. And I'm excited to make new merchandise with all the images we have now! Maybe models are sad about not being "calendar girls", but the calendar is just a part of what we do - hopefully later on, when they see us using their photos in promo materials and stuff, they'll feel less "rejected", if they feel that way now...

Speaking of photographers and photo shoots, my shoot with Mitzi of Mitzi & Co. at the beginning of the month to shoot my 2010 calendar month (June) and my About the Designer shot was so much fun! If you would like to get a pinup portrait done or attend a great pinup workshop, I highly suggest you visit her website and contact her! She is a talented, sweet woman with a heart for animals, and she's great at what she does. Being in her studio is like being a kid in a candy store for anyone who loves pinup or playing dress-up. Liz Carrillo did a great job on my makeup and hair, too. I was just really thankful that Mitzi stepped up, because I had been at my wits' end finding someone who fit with the calendar's goal, and the project as a whole. I'm excited to work with her again, and work with her selling the calendars, beginning with Mooneyes in early December (details will be on the PFPB website).

We also just got our very first grant, which I applied for, from Animal Farm Foundation, to honor our 4-Legged Founder, Carla Lou. Which feels pretty good!!

Oh, and one final note: PFPB will be featured in an episode of a new show on Animal Planet this winter! Visit our website for details.

Toys and Paintings:

It's been a slow few months since everything has taken a back seat to PFPB, but I have been making some toys here and there, most recently a cloned Kitty and some sharks, and this week I am starting on an order for a Christmas stocking of a Cloned Kitty. If you are interested in ordering a christmas stocking, either with a cloned kitty or other furry-friend embellishments, now is the time to contact me to order one or several! Prices run $30 for order of 1-2, more are $20 each.

No new paintings of late, besides a watercolor for a possible children's book but it fell through. Here's to hoping, though, and I had fun with it. I HOPE to do Pitbull Story Books this fall.

Websites:

I've been working on Permanent-Results.com for my sister's weight loss coach and nova-lash business, and mushrushart.com for my amazing ink artist, Seth Mushrush of Baker Street Tattoo in Media, PA. If you would like a website done, please contact me, as I love doing them and can get them done fast; and I work for trade or for competitive prices.

Romance & Recreation:

:) Happy woman here. I think I've done my time....

Mini Red Velvet Cupcakes

Apple Slaw?!?

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Yum, Donuts. Yay, Fall.

Glory Days

2009-01-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm at work, and there are people out in the front office consigning stuff to our next collectibles auction.

This guy apparently was friends with all these famous people, and for an hour now, I've heard him bragging loudly, telling all these stories.... but they're so 80s... all about coke, AIDS, crashing a DeLorean, who was gay (answer: everyone), etc.

If I hear one more story about Roc Hudson, Elizabeth Taylor, or Sigfried and Roy, I will blow my brains out with one of the antique rifles.

Of course, whenever one of her consignors starts name-dropping, the department head always chimes in with how she worked in New York for Public Television. When I lived on the east coast, I remember people making fun of Public Television. Didn't like.... the Dad from Family Ties work for Public Television?

On a related note, I saw the Miami Vice soundtrack on vinyl yesterday and I didn't buy it.
Now I regret it.

Adults R Us

2009-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

My "wife" (local best girl friend) just moved into a house down the street from me, with her bff of 15 years.

The house is great - huge and roomy, with high ceilings, picture rails, huge yard and patios, french doors...Perfect.... Except for the fact that the previous tenant was color-blind, and painted every room a new shade of disturbing color. Electric-lemon yellow, baby blue, electric blue, "creamsicle" orange; it was like a clown ate a bunch of rainbow sherbet and threw up on the walls. So, before Moving Day, several of us took a group trip to Home Depot to get painting supplies.

That was the day we discovered that, for homeowners, Home Depot is pretty much the adult version of being let loose in Toys R Us at age 5. Not even 2 years ago, Home Depot to me meant Art Supplies.... I used to skulk around in there for the odd piece of wood to paint on, or to help myself to the paint chips to make collages out of. Maybe pick up a plant or two to make it worth the trip.

This time it was a whole new experience.Up and down the aisles you could hear our shrieks of delight:

"Crystal door knobs? Cool!!!"
"Hey, should I paint an accent wall deep Indigo? I'm goin' for it!"
"Woah, a wheelbarrow!"
"Awesome, check out that toilet seat!"
"Wow, a dimmer-switch!!"
"Drawer pulls shaped like horses? No way."
"Hey, they sell hot-dogs here!"
"Check out this mailbox."
"I want that door!!"

I don't think anyone in our party got out of there for under $85.

And, by the way, the house looks fantastic now.

Welcome to My Mid-Thirties

2009-07-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

How about I trade:

Spontaneous summer beach trips
Spontaneous creativity
Painting just because
Writing children's books just because
Seeing my family
Fun outings and social gatherings with a group of local friends
Having coffee with Trevor at the cafe down the street
losing 10 pounds by cutting back on alcohol in my diet
Baking for my 80 year old neighbor
dog fostering with a non-profit rescue
bouts of localized happiness amid a generalized anxiety about my life

For:

Looking at the beach as I circle to find parking, wondering how did it get to be mid-July and I still don't have a swimsuit
Organizing creative cocktail parties during which I hang out and socialize and don't make anything
Painting only when it has to do with work or donating for an art auction (last-minute)
Writing Children's books under high-pressure deadlines only when it has to do with work
Being Auntie-Who? that lives in California and is "different"
Working blindly until 830 pm on a Saturday and then realizing I was supposed to meet one of two girl friends I have within a 25 mile radius for dinner and she ate already
Dragging Trevor at break-neck speed down the block 2x a day while texting and downing coffee
losing ten pounds by completely eliminating sugar, fat, & alcohol from my diet, and running myself ragged on the treadmill
Buying cupcakes at the bake sale down the street and leaving them in front of my 80 year old neighbor's door, hoping he won't recognize them
being on the board of a non-profit rescue
bouts of localized anxiety amid a generalized happiness about my life

Car Wreck Perks

2009-05-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

* chance to justify years of monthly payments
* annoying, minor ding in bumper from 6 months ago now moot, since bumper no longer exists
* chance to get some sun and stretch legs in the middle of morning commute
* complimentary premarital counseling from Tow Truck Driver
* interesting tour of body shop
* free coffee and hourly CNN swine flu updates at insurance office
* $500 car wash!

What the Hell Is Wrong With People??

2009-04-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Gross!

The Master of Disaster

2009-02-24T17:05:00.001-08:00

I started the Master Cleanse. My goal is ten days. Let's see if I make it to 3.

Overview: The Master Cleanse is that "lemonade diet" with the Grade B Maple syrup and the pepper that everyone has been trying on and off for the past few years, especially in LA. Also known as "The Gross Cleanse", "That Nasty Pisswater Lemon Shit" and "Oh yeah, My Friend Tried That And It Didn't Work."

It combines drinking 6-8 glasses of "Lemonade", with laxative tea at night and the "Saltwater Flush" in the morning... The "Saltwater Flush" is non-iodized salt and water. The idea is, you slam back a quart of that and then you shit your brains out about an hour later, flushing out all the toxins and stuff. You do that every morning, and drink the tea at night, and the lemonade during the day.

Supposedly I'm getting enough calories and nutrients in the lemonade where I shouldn't need food.... and the dizziness, nausea, drunkenness, and horrifying headache pain I feel is because of the toxins being released in my body, not lack of food or dehydration. Supposedly this is good for me.

Those interested in following the progress of someone who hates rules, deprivation, discipline and structure should read on.

The Night Before:

Stock up on organic concentrated lemon juice, teas, water.
Politely turn down sage friend's advice to do a whole body cleanse with pills, as it has lasting results and is more effective, saying "I'll try this and when it sucks and doesn't work, I'll try the one that does."
Re-read The Master Cleanse, suspiciously. Note the typos. Note that the author also suggests putting oil in your eyes to refresh yourself.
At home, wash all dishes, clean out coffee maker, throw out all items that won't be edible in a few days.
Make a huge vat of lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper tea. Text friend 14 times about the recipe, being unable to transpose metric or double a recipe.
Line up boxes of tea, Sea Salt canister, mugs, and measuring units, for easy access in impending zombified state.
Have delicious last supper of Amy's Cheeseless Pizza. Drink apple juice, snorting half of it out nose watching The Office.
Curl up with a disgusting mug of Chocolate Flavored "Smooth Move" tea, making a face.

Day One:

6 AM - Drink the saltwater. First gulp: "Mmm, salty!" Second gulp: "Wow, that's like, salty." Third through sixth gulps: "So this is what drowning in the ocean is like." Seventh through tenth gulp:" BLEEEECH! Who the fuck does this to themselves?" Eleventh gulp: "That wasn't so bad."
630 AM - Fill empty apple juice bottles with tea, so as not to be Obviously On A Cleanse
7 AM - Drink tea, walk Trevor, nervous about suddenly shitting self. Bring extra bags.
730 AM- Back in the house... nothing is happening... fret about hour long drive to work with loaded bowels.
745 AM to 9 AM- Shit fucking brains out, shower, get ready for work.
9 AM to 10 AM - Drive to work, weakly.
10 AM- Arrive at work with splitting headache. Hate everyone. Smell hashbrowns, somewhere. Resent the person eating them.
10 AM - 5 PM Drink tea, hate life. Hate everyone. Want to pull head off of neck because it hurts so bad. Unable to concentrate. Shit brains out.
6 pm - Drive home, zombified, attempting to sing along with radio to cheer self up.
7 pm - After lurching around the block with Trevor, fall dead asleep, completely exhausted.

Day 2:

See Day One, only add this:

Become increasingly psychotic, and lash out and everyone, for everything that they ever did, or are ever about to do.
Note horrible, terrible taste in mouth and increasingly severe flu-like symptoms
Read websites on side affects. Note symptoms match the "severely toxic" examples.
Wonder what happens to people who eat steak 3x a day.
Attempt to blog, typing out things that are barely coherent.
Feel helpless as motor skills deteriorate before blurry eyes.

Day 3:

See Days 1 and 2 through 11 AM
11 AM -After several anguished emails to a friend who has successfully completed the cleanse for 16 days, give up.
11:30 AM- Order vegetable soup.
11:45 AM -Weep openly when it arrives.
11:45 AM - 1 PM Slowly and delightfully enjoy the Best Soup Ever made. Ever.
1 PM and On - Return to normal, with a new grasp of the word "gratitude".
Fix blog.
Research cleanses that involve pills.
Browse recipes for delicious soups to make for dinner.

Let's Make A Deal

2009-02-23T11:03:00.000-08:00

You guys (my neighbors) leave your wifi unlocked so that I have a backup internet source when my dog pees on my router.

In return, I will agree to sit here and listen to your dogs bark their freaking heads off for hours and hours and hours today.

Deal?
Great.

My new thing or 25 things.

2009-02-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

My new thing, if you haven't guessed by now, is to totally overextend myself with jobs and never have time to do anything. This also causes chest pains and alienation.

Well, that sounds a little more tragic than my life really is. So I take it back. My new thing, if you haven't guessed by now, is to only blog once a month, never paint anything, never write anything, never make anything, never do anything, and yet have time to for some reason sign back up on Facebook and post stupid pointless shit there.

Which leads me, of course, to my 25 things. You know you want to know what mine are.

1. Today, I feel guilty for never having been published as a children's book illustrator/author. I don't always feel guilty, just when something creative in me has to shift of be born.... It's less of a goal anymore and more of a thing on my Life's To Do List that I should have gotten around to by now. I sometimes feel that, with my 17 hobbies and 3 jobs, I don't give writing and fine art the attention and dedication it deserves. I even woke up today thinking of my latest and as of yet unfinished book, and then that spiraled down into horrible flashbacks of fucked up people in my life, since the last time I worked on it was last year, on the cusp of the most horrible series of experiences of my life, and so now I have these PTSD-like flashbacks every time I think about it.... weird associations I guess. I hate when bad things ruin good things for me for awhile.

But I really think I need to get back into it. Especially cause Dave just sent me this guy: http://www.shauntan.net (don't go there yet, read my thing! just kidding, do what you want.)

2. My other hobbies and jobs are graphic design (9-5 and freelance), sewing, knitting, video editing, music, reading, dancing, modeling, writing short stories, working with dog rescue, helping run non-profit org.s for dog rescue, "blogging" (ew) about gross food (yes!!!), collecting vintage and retro furnishings and clothes, making collages and household items, photography. Add those to keeping my life in order, having days off to rest, and having meaningful relationships and it's no wonder I never get anything fully done.

3. I hate Styrofoam

4. My gross food blog is www.therecipeforfailure.co

m

5. Since age 16, every couple years I start smoking again, knowing full well that it is unhealthy and disgusting. I thoroughly enjoy myself, smoking my head off for 6-8 months, then abruptly quit again, and thoroughly enjoy being a nonsmoker. Right now I'm in my quitting cycle. I had a rule that after age 33 was the cut off, but I've never been good at rules.

6. I love brie. Love it. It is my vegan kryptonite.

7. I am spiritual, and right now I'm enjoying my nondenominationalism. If God created us, fine. If Jesus was around and he said a bunch of awesome stuff about how to be nice to each other, and then we killed him but he was like, oh yeah well HA I'm not dead, and now I'm out, fine. If we all die and something cool happens, fine. If not, and it's all a pack of lies, fine. But I'm not going to know for sure now anyway, so why debate it? I'm not hurting anybody by thinking what I think, as long as I don't think it makes me better than anyone else or that I can predict what the hell will happen to me or anyone else.

I grew up being dragged to christian church, and in my teen-early adult life, said eff this. Every terrible thing that people have done to me has been related somehow to a) Organized Religion or b) Coke. But because I feel a spiritual connection with people and the universe, I tried Christianity again for awhile, later in my adult life. Really studied it, and really tried to live it (yeah i still drank and swore, and though I was celibate for 5 years as an experiment, I still made out). This time I thought it would be different because my peers and I were consenting adults. Nope. Same thing, everyone was still super-fucked-up.

So now I think everyone should respect and leave everyone else alone. Let me sit and pray or send out my vibes or have a discussion with God/Universe/She/He/My Inner Self/The Flying Spaghetti Monster and leave me alone. It makes me a better person, trust me. Don't ask what I think about Creation, Evolution, Dinosaurs, Agnosticism, Noah's Ark, Atheism, The Trinity, or The Big Bang. The answer is, I don't. I love science (even the science of math), but I also love art, emotion, nature, and spirituality just as much; I don't see why people have to constantly try to make them compete with or disprove each other. I just want to enjoy things now, and make things better, because things suck a lot of the time for a lot of people.

8. I've never done coke.

9. I hate rum.

10. I can't crap in public restrooms. I have to have a private domestic bathroom (or like a hotel room). Deirdre (Little Darling, at right) tried once to talk me through it in a rest area on a road trip. We had not only the entire rest room, but the entire floor of the rest area to ourselves. Also, something weird was going on with the water system so all the water in all the toilets in the place was brown. This janitor lady who didn't speak English showed us to this private bathroom with the only 2 toilets left that hadn't been flushed while the water was all fucked up, so they were sparkling with clear, pristine water. As we settled in and I got ready to experience my first public crap, the janitor lady came back in and stood right outside my stall door. I don't know what the hell she was doing, like fluttering trash bags around... but standing RIGHT there, in this huge bathroom. It was so creepy. I texted Deirdre: "What the fuck, I can't do this, why is she Lurking out there!" I got stage fright and failed. She totally made me miss my window. Oh well.

11. Since then, our term for people who hover outside the bathroom door is Turd Lurker.

12. I spent $80 on sheets. They were worth it.

13. I really really like and love myself, and have inner happiness, for the first time in my life. Only took 33 years! I love being 33.

14. I'm a natural blonde. I hate blonde hair on me :) I've been every color, and besides super-bright red, this is my favorite.

15. I wear contacts - without them I'm blind past 3" from my face. I want Lasik so badly, but it freaks me out. Maybe one day.

16. I'm a sucker for plants and flowers. If you want to make me do something, just give me flowers and plants. I'm that easy.

17. I love snapdragons, peonies, sweet peas, cala lilies, poppies... any flower really, except gerber daisies (kim's favorite) and roses (though they smell nice). Creeping charlie, jade, bougainvillea trees, and all ferns are my favorite plants.

18. I always paint my toenails so, in case of my sudden death, they will look nice in the morgue with the little toe tag. I'm a planner.

19. I love food, and I love drinking. I'm like a Medieval King. It's ritualistic. Sometimes I blow people off to stay home and eat. It's impossible for me to ever get obese, but I do have a 5-13-pound fluctuation going on here and there, until my clothes and skin start looking way bad. Then it's salad and gym time, muttering about it until I can eat again, but delighted when everything fits me again. I also love cooking for people and serving them. Mmmm. Food.

20. Right now I'm eating raw for 2 weeks since Christmas time was one of those eat, drink, and be merry fests. Combine that with quitting and it's HeiferTown around here. I'm actually enjoying the raw food. Grapes rule.

21. If you're one of those people, like zillions, who have been in college forever, and you're studying your masters or your PhD or you're doing your thesis, or your something else that's kind of like a thesis but more important, and you try to talk to me about it, I won't be able to understand what you're saying, because I flunked high school more or less, took my SATs when I was 21, and dropped out after only 2 years of art school. Though I admire your focus and all that money you can afford. I for one would kill myself if I were you. So good job! And sorry I can't participate in the conversation about your life. Do you have a dog?

22. Skunks will attack mountain lions. Did you know? I didn't either, till last week. They are bad-ass.

23. I love to make lists. I think that' what got me to participate in this. If you ever need me to do something for you, besides giving me flowers, submit it in list form and I will do it just so I can cross it off. Watch:

24. Shut up.

25. Tag some people and send this already.

DONE! :)
Ps: you don't have to do this, I won't be offended.
PPs: If you made it all the way down here, you deserve a prize... wait for this to fully load

An evening at home

2009-01-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

2009-01-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

This is really actually a test blog to figure out why the hark blogger won't let me upload any pictures. AAAAAAAnnd.... Nope. You can't see any pictures of Trevor. None.

I've been so busy. I suppose I could go on and on about pinups for pitbulls and all the success and press we've gotten, but I really don't feel like it. Check the website if you're interested.

Well, so yeah, the end of last year and the start of this year has ruled project-wise, but also socially. I just kicked off the year with a really fun Creative Cocktails Party last weekend. Nobody really made anything, unless you count a pot-leaf kite made of felt and yarn, and a sock puppet around 1 am. But we did enjoy some great cocktails (Louise's espresso martinis!) and we made great conversation. So that's something.

It's actually impressive that anyone showed up, because usually no one ever does, because creative people are all a bunch of moody flakes. So chances are when I throw a party centered around creative people, they either a) are already drunk at home by themselves, hiding under a blanket, or b) were totally going to come by right after they went to the store, but they found this really cool piece of metal in an alley and they had to run it home, but it was too big for the bike basket so they fell off their bike, and then when they were buying band-aids they ran into a friend they haven't seen in like three months, and this friend really wanted to get grilled cheese and well, you know.

I'd upload pictures of the party, but I can't. So..... crap.

Happy new year!

xoxoxo
ag

Dear Universe

2008-12-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

Why doesn't Gmail have a Blogger menu tab?
Why must I always log in here?
Why are otherwise perfectly nice neighbors passive-aggressive, thieving, selfish assholes in the laundry room?
Why won't my computer connect to the internet on the PC side?
No, it's not set with a static IP
Why won't my Gmail video chat work with sound on the Mac side?
Why does the troubleshooting button even exist?
Has it ever helped anyone, ever?
Am I an alcoholic?
Why am I still online when it's such a gorgeous day out and I have 17 errands to run?
Why, at age 33, can't I notice by now when I have PMS or low blood sugar?
Where the fuck is my Bluetooth?
How come Napster got rid of Death by Sexy?
Why did I rent There Will Be Blood?
Where is the box of calendars that was supposed to arrive 2 days ago?

Happy Times

2008-10-29T11:18:00.001-07:00

Life has been good to me, I'm happy to be in a great place. It's nice to enjoy fall and love my life right now, more than ever, and bask in just being happy. If life has taught me anything over the past two years, it's to not dwell on things that make me sad, and not waste a second thinking or caring about people that suck at life. This doesn't mean losing compassion and my heart. On the contrary - there have been many opportunities for me to become jaded and hateful and bitter. But the amazing thing about life is that the more pain it brings, if you let it, it will make you stronger and leave you with a more open and appreciative heart. I don't really get how that happens, but I'll take it. It took massive amounts of pain and destruction to uncover and see my true worth, and to see that life has way more to offer me than what I saw in my narrow, sad little view. Funny how that works.

Great news about the Pinups for Pitbulls 09 Calendar - we're at press! It comes out November 21st.

I will be on the east coast 11/22 - 28th to attend our D.C. fundraiser. So if you're in that area, please contact me. It would be great to see you, especially at the event! It's at the Palace of Wonders in D.C. If you're on the West Coast, there's going to be a fundraiser/calendar release party here, too, so stay tuned. If you're not myspace friends with me, you can add me... it's a good way to stay informed, I post bulletins there about PFPB events.

Please order a pinups for pitbulls calendar! Your $20 plus shipping goes to help pit bulls and bully-breeds in need. The money goes to the various shelters listed on our site and to transporting/housing dogs pulled from shelters, vet bills, surgeries, etc. Last year we donated over $10,000 to these causes, and were able to help save the lives of many dogs. Plus the calendar this year is ten times better than last year's, which is exciting. Oh, and I'm in it this year too, which is lots of fun! :) We accept Paypal and all major credit cards. You can also purchase one at the fundraisers.

This is the first day "off" I've had in about 4 months. And by off I mean I'm at my Real Job between projects and waiting on a printer's proof of the calendar. So I think I'm going to upload and post all those Gross Food/ Decorating Pictures I've been saving for my Recipe for Failure blog.

Oh, I also have toys for sale, under toys, on my site. Great holiday gifts! Custom orders available.

xoxoxo
Audiogirl

What I want for Christmas

2008-09-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

a plane ticket to Portland

a plane ticket to PA

a plane ticket to Paris

and this.

Objective: To Make You Crazy

2008-09-03T16:49:00.001-07:00

So after our great receptionist left for Phoenix a few weeks ago, I'm in Resume hell. Though I'm the advertising director/design department, well, naturally it makes sense that I'm the one weeding through resumes.

Actually, because I'm the main person who answers the phones and gets pissed off if we don't have an admin assistant, and becuase I am a control freak, and also because this person may end up sitting near me in the coming year, I don't mind being the person to decide who gets in the door...

But seriously...

I mean, I know good help is hard to find... but if you're looking for a job, here are several ways in which to really really REALLY blow it in under ten seconds:

Citing one of your area of skill as "COMPUTER SOFTWARE'S" (right below your opening paragraph about how you're great at grammar and proofing)
Not including any references whatsoever
Formatting your resume fonts like this:

Objective

to totally piss Audiogirl off and give her a migraine

Including a MySpace-style digital self-photo (with some cleavage showing)
Adding that you are an excellent bartender (or "Mixologist") OMG!@
Sending a resume at all when you're supposedly an admin assistant for a law firm, yet you've lived in China, Dublin, Turkey, and Canada all within the past 9 months
Not explaining a 4, 6, or 18-month gap in employment
Spamming me with a PDF of your resume, with no cover letter or note, along with 20 other Craig's list addressees, from an email that contains mostly consonants and numbers
Naming your attached Word XP doc Administrative.docx, AdminAssist2.doc, Professional.docx, or Dayjob.docx
Combining this cover letter:

"It is with interest and enthusiasm that I’m applying for the position posted. I would like to explore the possibility of joining your organization. The enclosed resume will furnish you with information concerning my experience and qualifications. In addition, I am confident that my experience and professional dedication will enable me to prove the quality of service you expect from your associates. I am ambitious, self disciplined and work well under pressure. I am a proven team player, have good positive attitude, flexible, responsible and good communication skills

I would really appreciate the opportunity to meet with you to discuss your organization’s needs, objectives and my ability to fulfill them.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to speaking with you in the near future."

With this resume:

Job Objective: Seeking a position within a cooperation that will allow
Me to effectively utilize my professional skills and talent,
Which will allow me to grow as an individual.

Skills: data entry
Inventory control
Bilingual
Answering phones
Detail oriented
Reliable
Trustworthy

Sending a 1900 word resume listing 25 impressive jobs, all with positions of power, dating back to 1998 but stopping at 2007, and citing Yachting and the Mercedes Benz club among your interests while applying for an admin assistant paying $25-30K.

When I email you requesting references as requested in our job post, replying "the references that I have are cumbersome." and continuing to not provide them.

While the bosses and supervisor are away....

2008-08-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

How I'm justifying my commute today:

playing intricate game with self involving magnetic ring and bobby pin
changing my desktop
watching "Cosmos" screensaver in awe
measuring my attention blindness (count how many times the white team passes the ball. Then watch again, only this time watch the back team, but don't count.)
convincing office mates to try vegetable protein sausage
cleaning out desk drawers
arranging books
posting vegan recipes
sucking you in and wasting your time by blogging about how I waste my time

What not to say

2008-08-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

Things not to say to your new co-worker when she announces that her cat has just passed away:

"Well at least you didn't have to put her down."
"Feline HIV? Wow. How did she catch that? I thought that just affected the homo cats."
"When my cat dies, I just won't be able to handle it. I'll like, have to take a week off from work. In fact, that's partly why I adopted a dog!"
"I know how you feel. The guy that used to sit at that desk just died. Maybe it's cursed!"
Guilty silence while watching own youtube video of own healthy, living cat

I'm guilty of at least 3 of the above. No I won't tell you which ones, you just have to guess.

That's digusting. Let's blog about it!

2008-08-18T12:10:00.001-07:00

I actually did what I said I was going to do and started a gross food blog.

Click here to be grossed out.

Recipes welcome, gross or non-gross.

The website of the blog, and perhaps in the future to be an all recipes site, is www.therecipeforfailure.com

The Pancake Wall

2008-08-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

The Pancake Wall

I'm having a really tough time getting a handle on why people do the things that they do. Why they hurt each other so badly. Why they lie, and betray trust. Why they take an honor like knowing a person and being in their life and throw it away. Because they can?

I seriously don't understand this place. I feel like Morgan Freeman in Seven.
Only I don't picture myself suddenly caring again because Brad Pitt finds Gwenyth's head in a box. I picture myself impaling myself on my metronome.

I try to be a good person. I try to not turn bitter and hard and mean just because I walk around 90% of the time feeling lonely and betrayed and not understanding anything. I try to think, What Would Jesus Do? What should any decent human being do? I think Jesus because I think (outside the question of whether or not he was God incarnate, whether or not he had sex or rose again, etc etc etc) he was an amazing person with a lot of important stuff to say, and I like what he had to say. It comes naturally to me and makes sense to me. Unfortunately, this place, I feel, is no place to apply those things, and that feels sometimes like it's ripping my soul apart.

What is the point of keeping yourself morally in check if it a) gets you brutally betrayed and b) doesn't help anything? All it does is make me that much more sensitive and aware of the wrong in the world. Maybe I need to have a thicker skin, maybe I need to accept that people lie, people cheat, people treat you like you're worse than an enemy when you try to love them. They will act like you don't exist, without warning. They will judge you and talk about you, they want what you have and they will do anything to steal it from you. They will think you are a bitch because you are pretty. They will pretend to be your friend while they plot your demise so they can make out with the person you are dating. They will at first love you and then hate you, over and over, and you don't know why.

They will scream at you and treat you like crap, and then blame you for being a bad friend. They will idle in their car in their parking spot and make you wait for ten minutes, until finally they wave you away, and then when you drive past them, they will leave their parking spot, simply because they don't want you to have it - they want to hurt you and be mean to you. They will try to pass you and run you off the road because you are not going 80 in the slowest lane of the freeway. They will be a bitch to you when you drop a glass jar in the entryway of your building. They will move in next door and tell you they feel led to love their neighbors, but they will never invite you over, never accept your invitations to come over, and remain aloof and pretentious. They will make you believe that your love is worth nothing, and neither are you.

Here is where I look at the self-help books that my self and other well-meaning individuals have given me and just shake my head, because all the self-help and philosophy in the world is not going to make this horrible ache go away. Reading Boundaries and If The Buddha Got Stuck is not going to fix this.Perspective doesn't make people nicer. I'm kind of tired of taking responsibility for myself and acting like that makes the wrongs others have done to me all better.

After a cumulative 15 months of enduring and witnessing some pretty appalling human behavior, I've hit the wall. It's like when you're eating pancakes, doo doo doo, and then suddenly you hit The Wall and you have to put your fork down and feel like you're going to barf down the front of your shirt.

I totally feel like putting my fork down this week.

*************************

Update

Thanks, all, for your comments. This wasn't supposed to sound accusatory and it wasn't a plea for sympathy... I appreciate the nice words, and chances are if you read other people's blogs, you're not a jerk. This isn't a retraction, however - I was venting feelings, and we all know feelings come and go... and there is still 100% truth to me in what I wrote.

However, life isn't stagnant, and truths are not always absolute, and a little Blondie on the way home (CD courtesy of my recently deceased very nice co-worker) and a plate of apple turnovers left in front of my door by my 80 year old neighbor (his response to my plate of brownies and pasta salad), and some more journaling listing all the people who are kind to me in my life has been a nice way to pass the evening.

So if anyone wants to come over for some turnovers, I think I could lift my veil of existential malaise for an evening. I definitely can't eat all these by myself....

Professional Life

2008-08-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

My nice, gentle, sweet co-worker passed away last night from cancer, and rather than have the office pariah rummaging through his desk, I've insisted that I be the one to clean it out tonight.

This has gotten me thinking about the time when something will happen to me.... I don't want that fat idiot coming around with a box to fill with my:

bag of croutons, 1/2 full
2 skeins of yarn
1 pair steel knitting needles
1 jar baby food (stage 2, bananas)
1 bag sprouted sunflower seeds, 6/8 full
1 canister CHAMPION raisins, red, 3/4 gone
1 can Trader Joe's Organic vegan black bean soup
1 box Near East cous-cous, plain
wacom mouse
medicine pouch containing

vitamin c drops
halls cough drops (honey-lemon)
Hyland's homeopathic pulsatilla cold tablets

small bottle of hand sanitzer, 3/4 gone
4 pads post-its (large, multi-color)
stapler, tape dispenser, staple-puller
scissors, ruler, rubber-band ball, paper clips
DVX of BSG season 4.5
USB cord
hoarded Splenda packets (3)

If anyone wants the job, please let me know, so I can exit my Professional Life with some dignity.

Gross

2008-07-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

I just got home from fighting nausea and cabin fever by going to a cafe where they have used books. A drink, bagel, and an hour reading a 1972 Family Circle Illustrated Cookbook (One in a volume of about 13 I think) helped me a lot, specifically because reading the recipes made my nausea feel appropriate.

I plan on putting up a more intensive blog of these, much like the candyboots weight watchers cards because they are just too funny.

For now, though, bask in the glory of the Flowered Easter Ham. I'm going to go think about the definition of aspic and throw up.

Dear Facebook

2008-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well, Facebook, it's been an awesome 22 hours.

I've loved spending upwards of 4 hours a day looking at pictures of all the jerks from my high school, and reading about their incestuous marriages and their offspring who will also probably all marry each other. Why did I move to the absolute opposite end of the continent, when I could have stayed there? Is that why I'm not married yet?

Facebook, please tell me. You seem to know a lot about me already; I'm sure you have the answers.

I'm glad to see pictures of the person on whom I had a life-threatening and very unfortunate and of course publicly exposed middle-school crush. The person who used to ignore me and then flirt with my older, prettier, and bustier sister right in front of me. I'd forgotten he existed, but hey, it's good to see him again. It doesn't make me feel nervous at all. People regenerate all the cells in their bodies over their lifetimes. The lump of cells who spent hours crying, while begging and pleading with the forces of the universe over him doesn't even exist anymore. But hey, it's good to see him again.

No, really, I'm glad to reopen that mortal, tender, adolescent wound... and notice that it does not at all parallel my adult romantic record.

I'm very glad to see that this person is still asking about my older, bustier and prettier sister... I'm glad that he's confiding in me that he had the biggest crush on her... it's really good to hear from him. I'm so glad I was mature enough to contact him first. I'm also glad to hear he's married with kids. And I'm taking absolutely no sick, twisted pleasure in telling him that my older, prettier, bustier sister has 3 kids of her own and she's married.

I'm glad to tell him that I have a great relationship with my cat.

Thank you, Facebook..... I'm really really enjoying feeling horrible and underdeveloped and awkward and ugly and twelve years old all over again.

And yes, Facebook, I would LOVE to provide you with my home phone number in exchange for the convenience of not having to deal with 7 captchas every time I'd like to say hello to someone.

Since you asked so nicely, I would love to give you my full, real name in order to open my account, so that people who would like to hunt me down and murder me can do so, while also getting to note in passing every single fucking move I've been making in the past 22 hours, as noted in my "story feed".

Because that is truly my story. Me joining the Eddie Izzard fan page and writing "what the fuck is a wall? I hate Facebook" on the "walls" of all the incestuous jerks from my high school is a true reflection of the story I have to tell. Which means my work here is done. My story is told.

Facebook, I am so overcome with the past 22 hours, which I would have usually spent creating art, or writing, or sending off my latest short story, or writing a meaningful, personal email or making a meaningful, personal phone call, that I am going to explode. That's right. I'm about to disintegrate with joy.

Watch as I become fragments of joyous information, as I go spend eternity archived on your servers. I'm glad that Moses's information is going with me to be archived, too, it's very Egyptian.

Thank you, Facebook.
I can't think of a more pleasant, meaningful way to go.

...... I can't look away.... it's beautiful... so beautiful....

my heart is full

2008-07-17T17:04:00.000-07:00

my heart is full I don't remember if I mentioned this, b/c the formal annoucement is still being put together, but I'm going to be representing PFPB in the 2009 calendar. One of the reasons I went to the east coast was for the shoot.

Miss Tabatha of cherry blossoms photography did a GREAT job with me this past week in Aberdeen, MD. Zombie Bettie was a star doing the best job in the world on my makeup, and Little Darling, Prissy Pistol, and Jeffington Bear all kicked ass putting together the set of my dreams. Jeanette of pinup girl clothing provided amazing outfits for all the girls this year, and mine fit like a dream and couldn't have been more perfect. Charcoal Designs provided the cutest accessories too.

For my promo/trade shoot, Karen of KvO designs lent me one of her great bustiers, which was just gorgeous...That woman is talented, and the sweetest person ever to work with. I am so greatful I got to meet her and feel welcomed into her studio. Please check out her myspace page. She retails at After the Ride in PA.

Tabatha made me feel so beautiful and comfortable, I could not have asked for a better person for my first shoot. And she did such a great job dressing me - the little hat I'm wearing is one she made, and I screamed when I saw it. She needs to sell them on Etsy.

Baxter Bean was so freaking adorable during the shoot, I fell in love with him all over again. He's turning into such a handsome Man. Mookie was in rare showing- off form, being the sweetest dog ever all weekend, running around and giving kisses. It was this blossoming, social side of her i've never seen before. (Zoe and Lexie were awesome too, especially with the pool tricks. Thanks Zoe, for keeping me company that one night...)

Jeff opened his amazing home to me, some new friends, and apparently an uninvited crackhead who steals phones for the best/worst vegan bbq of all time. It was a great bonding experience, and everyone there handled it well. Not the usual kind of thing that happens in his lovely neighborhood, but it gave us all the opportunity to bond and then escape to phili for a good show and veggie burgers. yay. And I don't care what anyone says, Derek's vegan macaroni was herbalicious. (just kidding, I know it was only Different, not gross.) I felt so welcome and had such a great time meeting everyone.

Dan P was the best tour guide ev- ar, taking me first around Iceland and Hong Kong via flickr , and then around my home town (which I saw for the first time in 15 years), and up into NYC for vegan food and book shopping.

That night consisted of the Best Walk Ever through adorable Collingswood, starring Jeff teaching Baxter to walk properly on a leash. Sometimes the simplest times are the best times.

I even got to have some family time with my sister amy and niece and nephews with brunch, before a random Whole Foods adventure car ride that led instead to the airport.

Sad goodbyes, but then I got back home to Kimpossible picking me up and surprising me with Trevor, reminding me that I am loved and missed many places.

My heart is full from such a great trip, and from rediscovering old friends and meeting new friends. I feel very loved, beautiful, and special, and I know that this year there are many great things ahead. Thanks to all of you who spent time with me and who have invested your time and heart in PFPB.

Hearts, hugs and kisses.

xoxox
audiogirl