Overview: The Master Cleanse is that "lemonade diet" with the Grade B Maple syrup and the pepper that everyone has been trying on and off for the past few years, especially in LA. Also known as "The Gross Cleanse", "That Nasty Pisswater Lemon Shit" and "Oh yeah, My Friend Tried That And It Didn't Work."
It combines drinking 6-8 glasses of "Lemonade", with laxative tea at night and the "Saltwater Flush" in the morning... The "Saltwater Flush" is non-iodized salt and water. The idea is, you slam back a quart of that and then you shit your brains out about an hour later, flushing out all the toxins and stuff. You do that every morning, and drink the tea at night, and the lemonade during the day.
Supposedly I'm getting enough calories and nutrients in the lemonade where I shouldn't need food.... and the dizziness, nausea, drunkenness, and horrifying headache pain I feel is because of the toxins being released in my body, not lack of food or dehydration. Supposedly this is good for me.
Those interested in following the progress of someone who hates rules, deprivation, discipline and structure should read on.
The Night Before:
- Stock up on organic concentrated lemon juice, teas, water.
- Politely turn down sage friend's advice to do a whole body cleanse with pills, as it has lasting results and is more effective, saying "I'll try this and when it sucks and doesn't work, I'll try the one that does."
- Re-read The Master Cleanse, suspiciously. Note the typos. Note that the author also suggests putting oil in your eyes to refresh yourself.
- At home, wash all dishes, clean out coffee maker, throw out all items that won't be edible in a few days.
- Make a huge vat of lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper tea. Text friend 14 times about the recipe, being unable to transpose metric or double a recipe.
- Line up boxes of tea, Sea Salt canister, mugs, and measuring units, for easy access in impending zombified state.
- Have delicious last supper of Amy's Cheeseless Pizza. Drink apple juice, snorting half of it out nose watching The Office.
- Curl up with a disgusting mug of Chocolate Flavored "Smooth Move" tea, making a face.
- 6 AM - Drink the saltwater. First gulp: "Mmm, salty!" Second gulp: "Wow, that's like, salty." Third through sixth gulps: "So this is what drowning in the ocean is like." Seventh through tenth gulp:" BLEEEECH! Who the fuck does this to themselves?" Eleventh gulp: "That wasn't so bad."
- 630 AM - Fill empty apple juice bottles with tea, so as not to be Obviously On A Cleanse
- 7 AM - Drink tea, walk Trevor, nervous about suddenly shitting self. Bring extra bags.
- 730 AM- Back in the house... nothing is happening... fret about hour long drive to work with loaded bowels.
- 745 AM to 9 AM- Shit fucking brains out, shower, get ready for work.
- 9 AM to 10 AM - Drive to work, weakly.
- 10 AM- Arrive at work with splitting headache. Hate everyone. Smell hashbrowns, somewhere. Resent the person eating them.
- 10 AM - 5 PM Drink tea, hate life. Hate everyone. Want to pull head off of neck because it hurts so bad. Unable to concentrate. Shit brains out.
- 6 pm - Drive home, zombified, attempting to sing along with radio to cheer self up.
- 7 pm - After lurching around the block with Trevor, fall dead asleep, completely exhausted.
Day 2:
See Day One, only add this:
- Become increasingly psychotic, and lash out and everyone, for everything that they ever did, or are ever about to do.
- Note horrible, terrible taste in mouth and increasingly severe flu-like symptoms
- Read websites on side affects. Note symptoms match the "severely toxic" examples.
- Wonder what happens to people who eat steak 3x a day.
- Attempt to blog, typing out things that are barely coherent.
- Feel helpless as motor skills deteriorate before blurry eyes.
- See Days 1 and 2 through 11 AM
- 11 AM -After several anguished emails to a friend who has successfully completed the cleanse for 16 days, give up.
- 11:30 AM- Order vegetable soup.
- 11:45 AM -Weep openly when it arrives.
- 11:45 AM - 1 PM Slowly and delightfully enjoy the Best Soup Ever made. Ever.
- 1 PM and On - Return to normal, with a new grasp of the word "gratitude".
- Fix blog.
- Research cleanses that involve pills.
- Browse recipes for delicious soups to make for dinner.
2 comments:
Why are you torturing yourself? Any diet with the label "detox" is unproven nonsense. It is far from sensible and will fuck up your gut. You're getting zero nutrition and not enough calories to even function. The lemonade and salt are just to make sure you don't die - it's a diet that starves you, keeping you on the edge of death!
There are far healthy ways to have discipline and structure. The McDougall Program, for one.
You and your quinoa. I want some.
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