Objective: To Make You Crazy

So after our great receptionist left for Phoenix a few weeks ago, I'm in Resume hell. Though I'm the advertising director/design department, well, naturally it makes sense that I'm the one weeding through resumes.

Actually, because I'm the main person who answers the phones and gets pissed off if we don't have an admin assistant, and becuase I am a control freak, and also because this person may end up sitting near me in the coming year, I don't mind being the person to decide who gets in the door...

But seriously...

I mean, I know good help is hard to find... but if you're looking for a job, here are several ways in which to really really REALLY blow it in under ten seconds:

• Citing one of your area of skill as "COMPUTER SOFTWARE'S" (right below your opening paragraph about how you're great at grammar and proofing)
  
• Not including any references whatsoever
• Formatting your resume fonts like this:
  

1. Objective

to totally piss Audiogirl off and give her a migraine

• Including a MySpace-style digital self-photo (with some cleavage showing)
  
• Adding that you are an excellent bartender (or "Mixologist") OMG!@
• Sending a resume at all when you're supposedly an admin assistant for a law firm, yet you've lived in China, Dublin, Turkey, and Canada all within the past 9 months
  
• Not explaining a 4, 6, or 18-month gap in employment
  
• Spamming me with a PDF of your resume, with no cover letter or note, along with 20 other Craig's list addressees, from an email that contains mostly consonants and numbers
• Naming your attached Word XP doc Administrative.docx, AdminAssist2.doc, Professional.docx, or Dayjob.docx
• Combining this cover letter:

"It is with interest and enthusiasm that I’m applying for the position posted. I would like to explore the possibility of joining your organization. The enclosed resume will furnish you with information concerning my experience and qualifications. In addition, I am confident that my experience and professional dedication will enable me to prove the quality of service you expect from your associates. I am ambitious, self disciplined and work well under pressure. I am a proven team player, have good positive attitude, flexible, responsible and good communication skills

I would really appreciate the opportunity to meet with you to discuss your organization’s needs, objectives and my ability to fulfill them.

Thank you for your time and consideration, I look forward to speaking with you in the near future."

• With this resume:

Job Objective: Seeking a position within a cooperation that will allow
Me to effectively utilize my professional skills and talent,
Which will allow me to grow as an individual.

Skills: data entry
Inventory control
Bilingual
Answering phones
Detail oriented
Reliable
Trustworthy

• Sending a 1900 word resume listing 25 impressive jobs, all with positions of power, dating back to 1998 but stopping at 2007, and citing Yachting and the Mercedes Benz club among your interests while applying for an admin assistant paying $25-30K.

• When I email you requesting references as requested in our job post, replying "the references that I have are cumbersome." and continuing to not provide them.